I did not want to go to this writing conference.
Let me say that again: I did not want to go.
This is pretty strange to admit, since many know I’d spent most of June of last year stamping my feet about how I couldn’t go to Realm Makers 2020, that my trip to Atlantic City had been canceled, that I’d lost the chance to sit in on some amazing speakers (yes, I know the conference was virtual, but virtual doesn’t work for me, like at all, so it was never an option).
But I do have a huge fear of missing out. So when the City of St. Louis and Marriott dropped their mask and social distancing requirements, I signed up. Within five minutes of finding out.
Even though I hadn’t really written anything substantial in over a year, even though I’d recently shelved something like 1,873,983 WIPs, even though it was a 10-hour drive to St. Louis and I despise road trips. Blame it on the isolation I’ve been through over the past year and a half, I suppose. I needed out, but I needed a reason to get out.
And that’s where this turns into less of a recap and more of something else, because it turns out when you’re obsessing about being a complete failure in both writing and writerly relationships instead of opening your mind and heart, much of a conference is pretty much a waste. And it also turns out that when you unexpectedly win an award you can’t quite believe you deserve, it kind of puts you in the wrong mindset for focusing on anything else.
I don’t blame myself for not getting much out of 2021. It was poor timing on my part (er, probably the world’s part, if we’re being honest – I wanted to talk to people, not sit in silence in a class). And I do have some notes that I’ll get around to deciphering sooner or later. And I can watch the sessions I didn’t get to sit through. And I did get to spend time with a wonderful friend and editor who I don’t get to see nearly enough.
But I ate alone. I took a grand total of thirteen pictures, four of which were my son posing around the hotel and seven of which were attempts at getting a decent phot of Treason’s Crown in the consignment bookstore. I’m leaving with a stronger case of impostor syndrome than when I arrived (or so people will say). There are just a lot of mixed emotions that I didn’t have in 2018 and 2019.
Am I sorry I went?
No, not really.
But it wasn’t the panacea I’d expected, and I’m struggling with that.
I am still so proud of you, Anne! And so pleased that I could buy both of your books AND have you sign them for me before leaving St. Louis. And I am SO glad that you have that little glass statue to remind you that you DO belong in our Tribe, you DO have the talent to write your stories, and that God IS using you in amazing ways. I cannot wait to see what God does in your life next, my friend!
I am so glad we got to spend time together, and let me state, as another INTJ, that I *have* a total of 6 pictures from the conference, and most of those were sent to me by other people. So…I get it. But your writing is worth it. God knows what he’s doing when he won’t let you quit. I enjoy you. I’m soooooo happy you won an award. Imagine how you feel when your son wins at something; that’s how God feels about you!!! Embrace it; embrace the day-to-day even when it doesn’t seem like winning. But definitely embrace the days that ARE winning! Our ultimate win will be in eternity, but we still get to celebrate the little joys along the way. So happy to know you; hope to know you more over the years to come!!